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[这个贴子最后由jyp4b在 2005/04/08 05:43pm 第 1 次编辑]
Out of Nowhere
Out of nowhere, the tide of missing someone takes me in deep down to the ocean of my memory. No matter how hard I struggle, the feeling only get stronger and stronger. There is no escape.
It must be an odd thing to most people, even I myself cannot help laughing at it to miss a person I have barely talked to and probably will never know where he is and what he has become. But it just jumped into my mind and rooted there relentlessly.
I was a fresh high school girl at her age of full-of-imagination-about-love. But in that heavily industrialized and polluted city, everyone in that top high school of the province wanted to launch out of there and go to the best universities of the country. At that time, weaving dreams about meeting the beloved one before bedtime is the most fun part of every day, which helped MCUH to survive the suffocating atmosphere of thinking-of-your-own-future covered everywhere. Getting up at 5:50 each morning to catch the shuttle to school is one part of life I don’t ever want to go through again, even though I fought hard to get the chance and was proud of myself for the rest of my life. However, the long dark journey could be million times worse if without him on the way along.
The first time I noticed him was probably the second day I went by myself to catch the shuttle since I was too nervous the first day to study my shuttle-mates. He was tall and strong, a fine looking boy. I have never met a boy that muscular; he was almost like a man already, but his acnes all over his face turned him in. I felt my heart skipped one beat the moment I saw him. For some weird reason, ever since his existence hit me, I start to avoid standing or sitting close to him. But my eyes were always looking for him and my skin could always sense how close or how far he was.
Soon after, I figured he was one grade older than me and his classroom was right beneath mine, also he was an athlete of the school. Sometimes, we encountered on the stairs. I don’t remember we greeted each other or not. Maybe a slight nod was it. Nobody knew how much I felt for him for the first year. I never thought I could make a friend with him or just simply talk to him as an acquaintance. But the only three times we had close contact have been engrained in my memory.
One day morning in the first cold winter in high school, it was still pitch dark by the time we got onto the shuttle, I found myself a cozy spot and settled down, ready for a usual morning nap. Suddenly I found the seat besides me got sealed up by a big, big boy. I knew the front seat he always went for was still empty, but then he chose to be beside me. My heart started to beep as fast as racing cars. I could feel the blood in my vessels running like a river in flooding season. My face probably flushed like a red delicious apple. But in appearance, I tried my best to show indifference, maybe even a little bit annoyance. Who knows what a little girl in that age thinking and why behaving like that. However, in deep heart, I felt so warm and protected. He blocked all the coldness from me. I wish that bus had never reached its destination that morning.
Later one time, I had to save up enough courage to ask him a favor. Our math teacher asked us to find another reference book used to be used by the grades above us. By the time, he was the only one I knew in higher grade. So I guess I asked him to borrow the book. How I asked has totally slipped my mind, but I am pretty sure it must be another clumsy performance of mine. Whenever I talked to him, I just could not find my tongue. I must stutter like a stupid nervous country girl. I remember he lent me the book of his but he had to borrow someone else’s to use since they still needed it at the time. Even one year later, he was in his senior and the tensest time for college, he kindly let me keep that book and he would share with his classmate. Even though I am not sure whether that was really what happened or probably that was just what I dreamed of, in my mind he was always the protecting boy like a big brother.
My impression of him is always strong, fast and somehow tender sweet. We ran into each other one afternoon. I was running late for the gym class and he was tornadoing back to his classroom. We almost literally “ran into” each other. He smiled at me and asked where I was up to just like an old friend. I was astod and stuttered as usual with an unconquerable flush. But I was so happy what happened and at the same time feared I would fall from there.
Not with a clue, from then we seemed never talked or even saw each other any more. My memory simply became blank and the subtle air flow in between was forever gone. Nothing more happened the year he graduated. I fell into a sad sea and became even quieter than ever in class or at home. I saw him selling reference books once with his friends at the school gate. But I just couldn’t find an excuse for myself and go to say “hi” and ask him which university he was going to. Hopelessly, I swallowed all the bitterness of farewell and berried myself in the endless exercises. To me, that seemed the only way I was allowed to follow and so I did. What a fool!
I thought I would never like the idea of “time machine” course that sounded so naïve and unrealistic. But now, out of nowhere, I wish to give up everything to catch a time train that would bring me back to my silly sixteen. I would shake and yell using my full strength to wake her up from the old stupid evil spell that it is BAD to like someone and to befriend someone. I would chat with him on the bus “how was your day?” and “what is your dream school?”; I would give him a sun shine smile whenever I see him passing by or racing on the field; I would share with him my happiness and sadness; and I would let him know that I would miss him tons after he went off to college; oh, God, I would, I would…
Out of nowhere, at this moment, I just want to escape from this body, this time, this world and fly back to my bittersweet sixteen.
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发表于 2005-4-9 02:37:39
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